The Cult of Raquel Ray

A spoof of the horrifyingly mundane “Rachel Ray” Show,..

The show starts and a clearly drunk Raquel stumbles down the entrance stairs. The audience goes and wild with clapping and screaming. She stumbles down to the kitchen and needs to be helped into her seat by a techy, so that she doesn’t fall all over the place. Then she starts talking and the camera moves in on her face. Her lipstick is uneven and shes wearing waaaaay too much eyeliner.

“There’s only one thing I love more then a bottle of cheap liquor inda mornin, and thats,..” Struggles to read telepromter, “I dunno,.. …some sorta salad!”

Raquel stumbles over to the counter, and starts to shout the ingredients out, “There some EGG!”, the audience (full of middle-aged women) start screaming even louder. “ya gotta mix da eggg, in yer bowl an add some..” She looks around for stuff to add, “..some spiccess..” Crowd goes even more crazy! Women at the back start whistling and shouting; ‘Spices! WoooO!’

Raquel take second to scratch herself, then goes back to cooking, “So, what am I making again,.. ? oh yeah, pizza,” she reaches under the table and pulls out a whiskey bottle of brown liquid marked “olive oil”  and takes a huge swig and spills it all over the counter top , “just add a little OLIVE OIL!”, auidence goes absolutly mental! Woman in the front row starts cuttin her wrists while screaming raquels name. Raquel looks for more ingredients, “yeah.. ..then and some.. ..green shit!”, audience goes completely insane, people need to be held back by security!,

Raquel then takes out a cigarette and starts to light up, but drops the lighter on the counter top and the “olive oil” ignites. “ahh crapp, not again…, Uggh, its been such a long day…”, Raquel finally looses consciousness before the fire alarms start to go off and the screen goes black.

Posted: October 23rd, 2009 under HotFlash!.